


welcome to sasuke shits

by frenchleaves



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Chatting & Messaging, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Fuck Kishimoto, I just want Naruto and Sasuke to be happy, Konohagakure | Hidden Leaf Village, LGBT, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Team as Family, The Author Regrets Nothing, Uchiha Sasuke Returns to Konoha, Warning: Uchiha Sasuke, based on the hc that said that shika sai and gaara have a gc to shit on sasuke, chat fic, im taking all the women and writing them well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-14 19:13:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18482611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frenchleaves/pseuds/frenchleaves
Summary: black belt in emotions: the infamous sasuke shits serverblack belt in emotions: i was invited once but then again it’s not as if i dislike sasukepee your pants: WHATblack belt in emotions: we’ve spoken.. twiceblack belt in emotions: i’m pretty sure he still thinks i’m neji





	1. sasuke shits server is at full capacity

**Author's Note:**

> I've been meaning to write a chat fic and I felt... inspired. this was fun to write
> 
> some of the conversations are loosely based on real convos I've had
> 
> for reference:  
> Naruto: uwusmaki  
> Sasuke: uchyeehaw  
> Sai: no homo  
> Hinata: black belt in emotions  
> Kiba: pee your pants  
> Shino: The Hive  
> Ino: lesbian rights  
> Shikamaru: i’m calling the weed  
> Ten Ten: Seven Eleven  
> Neji: gay, homophobic, and proud  
> Gaara: cactuslover0456  
> Temari: lesbian lefts  
> Kakashi: keeps the doctors away

**_Ruh Roh_ ** _(#pilatesteam)_

 

 

 **pee your pants:** i mean it’s not that i didn’t expect it

 **pee your pants:** but man that shit hurted,

 

 **black belt in emotions:** wdym??

 

 **The Hive:** did you get rejected again?

 

 **pee your pants:** yea

 **pee your pants:** this time i got a formal letter back from SUNA, which literally

 **pee your pants:** what the actual fuck

 

 **black belt in emotions:** wh

 **black belt in emotions:** OH

 **black belt in emotions:** the infamous sasuke shits server

 

 **The Hive:** I heard you need a formal invitation from Suna to get in

 

 **pee your pants:** i obviously didn’t get one

 **pee your pants:** that sucks

 

 **black belt in emotions:** yeah

 **black belt in emotions:** i was invited once but then again it’s not as if i dislike sasuke

 

 **pee your pants:** WHAT

 

 **black belt in emotions:** we’ve spoken.. twice

 **black belt in emotions:** i’m pretty sure he still thinks i’m neji

 **black belt in emotions:** fbakehfq yeah shikamaru asked me when they were talking about creating the server

 

 **The Hive:** yeah probably

 

 **pee your pants:** what a missed opportunity

 **pee your pants:** does sasuke even know we exist

 

 **The Hive:** Nah

 

 **black belt in emotions:** considering he’s gone rogue like, four times by now

 **black belt in emotions:** and threatened everyone with murder

 **black belt in emotions:** i think we’re good

 

 **The Hive:** Hard agree on that one, hinata.

 

 **pee your pants:** BUT YOU TURNED DOWN THE INVITE?!?

 **pee your pants:** i literally cannot believe this

 

 **black belt in emotions:** kiba shut up

 **black belt in emotions:** it’s not that big of a deal

 

 **The Hive:** If you wanna talk shit about Sasuke you can do it here

 

 **pee your pants:** yeah but it’s not the sameeeee

 **pee your pants:** anyways can hana come to our pilates class next tuesday? she’s been pestering me for like two weeks now

 

 **The Hive:** we’d have to ask sensei

 

 **black belt in emotions:** i’m pretty sure i’m good

 **black belt in emotions:** hana is cool, she won’t shit on kurenai’s classes like neji did last february

 

 **pee your pants:** that was like a greek tragedy

 

 **The Hive:** since WHEN do you know anything about greece kiba

 

 **pee your pants:** shut up i can read

 **pee your pants:** also I have a book club with shikamaru and neji on wednesdays

 

 **The Hive:** you can read???

 

 **black belt in emotions:** oh my god shino don’t provoke him !!!

 

 **pee your pants:** how,

 **pee your pants:** how do you think i’m reading your messages and ANSWERING

 

 **The Hive:** maybe you were sounding out the words

 

 **pee your pants:** just wait until i kill you bug boy

 

 **The Hive:** Ok, I’m waiting.

 

 **black belt in emotions:** have mercy

 

* * *

 

 **_Direct Message_ ** _(_ _@i’m calling the weed_ _)_

 

 

 **pee your pants:** pls let me in

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** no.

 

 **pee your pants:** so you let hinata in but not me

 **pee your pants:** i see how it is

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** hinata is an actual pleasing person to talk to

 

 **pee your pants:** rude

 **pee your pants:** we’re still in for wednesday tho, right?

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** pls stop talking to me

 **i’m calling the weed:** and yes, don’t forget the paper

 

* * *

 

 

 ** _leaf me alone_ ** _(#konoha12)_

 

 

 **uwusmaki:** has anyone seen sakura

 **uwusmaki:** it’s an emergency

 

 **lesbian rights:** oh she’s in surgery with shizune right now, gets out in like four hours i think

 

 **uwusmaki:** thanks ino

 **uwusmaki:** ur like

 **uwusmaki:** a life saver

 

 **uchyeehaw:** not even sakura can save you, asshole

 

 **Seven Eleven:** well that doesn’t sound good

 

 **uchyeehaw:** who even are u

 **uchyeehaw:** oh this isn’t our team gc

 **uchyeehaw:** tragic

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** y’know what’s tragic

 

 **Seven Eleven:** Neji please

 

 **no homo:** No no,

 **no homo:** Let him speak.

 

 **uwusmaki:** oh hi sai !!!

 **uwusmaki:** i didn’t know you were here

 

 **no homo:**  That's "shady." Why wouldn’t i be?

 

 **uwusmaki:** uh,

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** anyways,

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** whatever I forgot what I was going to say

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** if anyone sees Genma please tell him that Gai is looking for him

 

 **Seven Eleven:** that sounds so ominous

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** That’s because it is, Tenten

 

 **Seven Eleven:** why r u even using proper grammar

 

 **lesbian rights:** he’s establishing his dominance

 **lesbian rights:** isn’t that a thing men do?

 

 **black belt in emotions:** not necessarily, mostly it’s just dogs

 

 **lesbian rights:** _@pee your pants_ pls confirm

 

 **uchyeehaw:** it’s because hyuuga thinks he’s so above us

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Like you’re one to talk.

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Why are you still even here, Uchiha?

 

 **uchyeehaw:** none of your business

 **uchyeehaw:** _@uwusmaki_ answer my call or i’m going home

 

 **uwusmaki:** shit gimme a sex

 **uwusmaki:** sec**

 

 **no homo:** oh i can give you a sex

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** i can afford therapy but watching you squabble is way more healing for my mind

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Shut up, Nara.

 

 **Seven Eleven:** men,

 

* * *

 

 

 ** _sasuke shits_ ** _(#naruto squad)_

 

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** i have a bad feeling

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** Is something wrong?

 **Cactuslover0456:** Is something wrong with Naruto?

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** no

 **i’m calling the weed:** but stay alert, i think something’s up with the other one

 

 **no homo:** yeah, his micropenis.

 **no homo:** it’s always up and near naruto

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** sai we’ve talked about this. if you’re going to mention s*suke, please do it by his code name

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** Agreed with Shikamaru.

 

 **no homo:** of course

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** anyways i have a bad feeling

 **i’m calling the weed:** last time i felt like this, failed piggy came back to konoha

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** Okay. That’s it for that.

 **Cactuslover0456:** I’m sending Temari as a Suna envoy to Konoha for the time being.

 **Cactuslover0456:** She’s going to stay with you, Shikamaru. Don’t try anything funny.

 

 **no homo:** good

 **no homo:** failed piggy tends to avoid women, if we add another one to konoha maybe he’ll leave definitely this time

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** One can only hope, Sai.

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** that’s a bit drastic, gaara, but i can but up w temari ig

 **i’m calling the weed:** don’t tell her that

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** No funny attempts on her.

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** i’m literally in a relationship rn ???

 

 **no homo:** nara’s not a cheater

 **no homo:** i’m just hearing about this recent relationship but when he was dating chouji a few years back i tried to have sex with him and he stayed faithful

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** That’s reassuring for Shikamaru, at least.

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** sai what the actual fuck you tried WHAT

 

 **no homo:** I tried to have sex with you

 **no homo:** It was on the day failed piggy came back for the first time

 **no homo:** I was incredibly drunk

 **no homo:** i had sex with four different people

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** I do not think I want to listen to this

 

 **no homo:** none of then Naruto, tragically

 **no homo:** his dick is still a mystery for me

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** we’ve all seen naruto’s dick before sai it’s not a mystery

 

 **no homo:** it’s so so big, nara

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** ANYWAYS

 **i’m calling the weed:** send temari over, she’ll be happy to see tenten and ino again

 **i’m calling the weed:** even tho it means i’ll have to give up my peace

 

 **no homo:** she could stay with me

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** No.

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** troublesome

 

* * *

 

 

 **_Direct Message_ ** _( @lesbian lefts) _

 

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** Hello Temari, sister.

 

 **lesbian lefts:** Gaara?

 **lesbian lefts:** whassup

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** Before you hear this from someone else and break my office desk again

 **Cactuslover0456:** I’m sending you to Konoha for two months

 **Cactuslover0456:** It’s for diplomacy

 

 **lesbian lefts:** sasuke’s back, huh?

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** That’s entirely unrelated to the issue.

 

 **lesbian lefts:** of Course gaara, of course

 **lesbian lefts:** anything for Suna. I was growing tired of the sand anyways. I’d love to take a break

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** You will be staying in the Nara household at arrival

 **Cactuslover0456:** I could arrange for a hotel if you would prefer?

 

 **lesbian lefts:** nah, the Nara’s okay. I could eat him alive and he knows it.

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** Good. Come to my office at 17:00 and I’ll give you the whole information about the mission.

 **Cactuslover0456:** And thank you, Temari.

 

 **lesbian lefts:** It’s always a pleasure. See you later.

 

* * *

 

 ** _We’re All Straight Here_ ** _(#announcements)_

 

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** _@_ _channel_ training tomorrow at dawn.

 **keeps the doctors away:** if you don’t come at the time i will find out

 

 **uchyeehaw:** we all know you won’t, sensei

 

 **no homo:** What does your username mean?

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** if you come tomorrow at dawn, maybe you’ll find out

 

* * *

  

 **_Direct Message_ ** _( @ _ an apple a day  _)_

 

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** i think my kids are onto me

 


	2. byakugan user hyuuga neji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no homo: we’ve been found out
> 
> i’m calling the weed: shite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some people accused me of cyberbullying, that was fun
> 
> I didn't know you could cyberbully fictional characters, uhh.... yeah
> 
> ANYWAYS, For Reference: (These are p obvious tho)  
> Naruto: uwusmaki  
> Sakura: pink in the night  
> Sasuke: uchyeehaw  
> Sai: no homo  
> Hinata: black belt in emotions  
> Kiba: pee your pants  
> Ino: lesbian rights  
> Shikamaru: i’m calling the weed  
> Lee: Youth!  
> Ten Ten: Seven Eleven  
> Neji: gay, homophobic, and proud  
> Kakashi: keeps the doctors away  
> Gai: an apple a day  
> Kurenai: women wouldn’t treat me like this  
> Asuma: orgasm donor  
> Yamato: treesome  
> Gaara: Cactuslover0456  
> Temari: lesbian lefts
> 
> Enjoy!! Leave comments and kudos if you'd like too :-)

_**clueless teacher alliance** (#at least we’re not kakashi) _

  
  


**women wouldn’t treat me like this:** I hear some of the kids are bullying Sasuke.

 **women wouldn’t treat me like this:** _@keeps the doctors away_

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** that’s ridiculous

 

 **women wouldn’t treat me like this:** Kiba was whining yesterday about some group chat that shits on Sasuke constantly, said Hinata once even got an invite. He got a letter from Suna about it, Kakashi.

 **women wouldn’t treat me like this:** A letter. From Suna. From the Kazekage.

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** as i said, ridiculous

 

 **an apple a day:** That’s so unyouthful from our pupil’s parts!

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** i’m sure it’s more of a naruto love chat more than anything

 **keeps the doctors away:** sakura told me about it, she was also invited

 **keeps the doctors away:** i do rmr she said something about “sasuke lesbians” and being tired of being surrounded of men and declined

 

 **orgasm donor:** wtf is up with ur team kakashi

 

 **treesome:** I ask myself that everyday.

 

 **women wouldn’t treat me like this:** Does Sasuke know about it though?

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** let me ask him, we’re training

 

 **treesome:** By training he means walking the ninken.

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** way to call me out tenzo

 **keeps the doctors away:** sasuke says he’s the original creator of the groupchat, with gaara

 **keeps the doctors away:** he says they were drunk, but that I should ignore that info

 

 **orgasm donor:** officially ignored

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** and that when he went rogue the second time he got out of all servers or whatever, when he came back he asked shikamaru abt it and he said that those who leave can’t come back

 **keeps the doctors away:** apparently they talked shit about sasuke for hurting naruto’s feelings and also like, treason

 

 **women wouldn’t treat me like this:** That’s… understandable

 

 **orgasm donor:** they didn’t boot him out the first time he went rogue?

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** apparently not,

 **keeps the doctors away:** something about orochimaru

 

 **an apple a day:** Understandable! But still unyouthful from both Sasuke and the rest!

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** you know unyouthful is NOT a word right gai?

 

 **an apple a day:** Of Course!! But it’s nice to keep language nice and fresh!

 

 **keeps the doctors away:**..okay

 **keeps the doctors away:** anyways sai just burst into the conversation to say that they normally just use the chat to talk about naruto so i was right again

 

 **women wouldn’t treat me like this:** Naruto knows about this?

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** “fuck no” –sasuke

 **keeps the doctors away:** he’s not in the convo either, I had sakura make him take bull on a run and now they’re both exhausted and sleeping like, 15m away

 

 **orgasm donor:** that’s a bit unorthodox

 

 **women wouldn’t treat me like this:** Says the guy with the user “orgasm donor.”

 

 **orgasm donor:** oh kurenai u KNOW you love it

 

 **women wouldn’t treat me like this:** I really don’t.

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** wow get a room u two

 

 **orgasm donor:** shut up kakashi

 

 **women wouldn’t treat me like this:** Shut up, bastard.

 

* * *

 

 **_Direct Messages_ ** _(_ _@treesome_ _)_

  
  


**keeps the doctors away:** could you get naruto to his apartment?

 **keeps the doctors away:** he looks p run down from the training today

 **keeps the doctors away:** i’m going with sakura n sasuke to dine n dash

 

 **treesome:** Of course I can, senpai

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** don’t call me that

 

 **treesome:** What about Sai?

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** idk he just straight up disappeared

 **keeps the doctors away:** said something about art and lesbians

 

 **treesome:** I don’t even want to know

 **treesome:** Is it a private outing or can I go?

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** don’t be stupid of course you can come

 

 **treesome:** Good. I’ll be there in 20 minutes.

 

* * *

 

 ** _sasuke shits_ ** _(#naruto love squad)_

  
  


**no homo:** we’ve been found out

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** by whom???

 

 **no homo:** sensei server

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** shite

 

* * *

 

 ** _The LGBT Community_ ** _(#don’t add gai here)_

  
  


**Seven Eleven:** has anyone seen gai?

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Last I knew he was with Genma

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Isn’t he with Kakashi right now?

 

 **Seven Eleven:** no i think I just passed by og team 7 minus naruto in the kbbq place

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** doesn’t lee have like an internal radar to know where gai is?

 

 **Seven Eleven:** _@Youth!_ u up?

 

 **Youth!:** Tenten!!!! You know I am ALWAYS up!!

 

 **Seven Eleven:** good

 **Seven Eleven:** have u seen gai?

 

 **Youth!:** Yosh!!! I have!!!

 **Youth!:** We finished training about an hour ago!!

 **Youth!:** He’s supposed to be at the hospital for his regular checkup

 **Youth!:** With Tsunade-sama of course!

 

 **Seven Eleven:** thanks lee that’s great

 **Seven Eleven:** love u xx

 

 **Youth!:** The flames of youth shine bright in your heart, My friend!!!

 **Youth!:** I love you too!!

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** feelings are disgusting, delete.

 

 **Seven Eleven:** oh neji you KNOW you LOVE US

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** What’s this terror I’m feeling?

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** I’m literally shaking

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Is this.. Is this.. Friendship?

 

 **Seven Eleven:** ur such a dramatic asshole

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** It’s my inheritance

 

 **Seven Eleven:** hinata is quite nice tho, what happened to her ??

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Nothing is wrong with her, u just haven’t seen her mad.

 

 **Seven Eleven:** oh god u wrote “u”

 **Seven Eleven:** are you sick?

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** No, I just remember Hinata being mad.

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** It’s genuinely terrifying.

 

 **Youth!:** It’s So Good of Hinata to always Exercise Positive Emotions!!

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Literally terrifying.

 

 **Seven Eleven:** we’ll see. i’m gonna ask her to spar.

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** I’ll arrange the funeral.

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Lillies or orchids?

 

 **Seven Eleven:** haven’t we already talked about this? I said chrysanthemums

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Right.

 

* * *

 

 ** _We’re All Straight Here_ ** _(#sike)_

  
  


**uwusmaki:** hey! wehre r u guys????

 **uwusmaki:** where**

 

 **uchyeehaw:** you should stop trying to fix your typos we are all proficient at reading through them since you literally cannot write

 **uchyeehaw:** it’s as if you were illiterate i swear

 

 **pink in the night** : Sasuke!! That’s rude. Apologize to Naruto.

 

 **uchyeehaw:** no i will not

 **uchyeehaw:** he wouldn’t understand it either way

 

 **pink in the night** : Yeah, because you are soo literate.

 **pink in the night** : anyways. Naruto, we’re in the Korean BBQ place!! The Akimichi one

 

 **uwusmaki:** Thanks sakura-chaaaaaaaan! I’ll be there in a minute

 **uwusmaki:** are you guys with choji?

 

 **pink in the night** : Nope! Team 10 doesn’t get out of training until after lunch. Something about motivating Choji and Shikamaru to work for the food. Ino has other incentives, like, for example, me. Either way, it’s just us right now (with Kakasensei and Yamato-senpai) barring Sai. I think he went somewhere with Anko and Tenten.

 

 **uwusmaki:** Cool!

 

 **uchyeehaw:** wait u said sai, anko, and tenten are doing something together?

 

 **pink in the night** : Yeah, why?

 

 **uchyeehaw:** i hope those three finish blowing Konoha up

 

 **keeps the doctors away:** that sounds suspiciously like treason Sasuke

 **keeps the doctors away:** you’ve something you want to tell us about??

 **keeps the doctors away:** again?

 

 **uchyeehaw:** nope

 

 **treesome:** Why are all of you online? We’re eating, have some respect.

 **treesome:** Senpai, for once, please be an example for the children.

 

 **pink in the night** : We’re not kids, but yamato is right

 

 **uchyeehaw:** ugh whatever

 

 **pink in the night** : Stop being emo, Sasuke.

 

 **uwusmaki:** i don’t think hes capabel of NOT being emo

 **uwusmaki:** I’m here!!!!

 

 **pink in the night** : Good! We’re near the restrooms.

 

 **uwusmaki:** perfect!!

 

* * *

 

_**The LGBT Community** (#i am confusion) _

  
  


**gay, homophobic, and proud:** Why is our server called “The LGBT Community”?

 

 **Seven Eleven:** i thought u’d get it pretty quickly??

 **Seven Eleven:** being a genius and all

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Don’t be an ass, explain.

 

 **Youth!:** It’s logical! We ARE the LGBT Community!!

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** I mean, we are. We have a full set.

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** But it still doesn’t explain it.

 

 **Seven Eleven:** It’s our names!

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** No?? There’s no “N.”

 

 **Seven Eleven:** Lee

 **Seven Eleven:** Gai

 **Seven Eleven:** Beji

 **Seven Eleven:** Tenten

 **Seven Eleven:** I’d say that’s about it.

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Tenten, I’m moving your funeral up for right now.

 

 **Seven Eleven:** wait no, I have a better one !!

 **Seven Eleven:** Lee

 **Seven Eleven:** Gai

 **Seven Eleven:** Byakugan User Hyuuga Neji

 **Seven Eleven:** Tenten

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Ugh, I’m not fighting that one, but it’s still a reach.

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Whatever.

 

 **Youth!:** _@Seven Eleven_ Did You Find Gai-Sensei?

 

 **Seven Eleven:** u bet i did! thanks again lee xx

 

 **Youth!:** Always a Pleasure! Is He Still in the Hospital??

 

 **Seven Eleven:** yep

 

 **Youth!:** Good! I require Medical Assistance!!

 

 **Seven Eleven:** WHAT?

 **Seven Eleven:** r u okay??????????

 **Seven Eleven:** _@Youth!_

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Lee, what the fuck.

 

 **Youth!:** Oh, it’s not for me! Shino and Kiba were passed out near the entrance gates!!!

 **Youth!:** Our youthful comrades must be back from a mission!! They do not look as flourished and youthful as they normally do!!

 **Youth!:** I shall escort them to the hospital!!!

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Is Hinata not with them?

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Kami, that’s preoccupying.

 

* * *

 

 **_Direct Messages_ ** (  _@black belt in emotions_ )

  
  


**gay, homophobic, and proud:** Hinata-sama.

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Are you okay?

 

 **black belt in emotions:** Drop the sama

 **black belt in emotions:** Hey Neji!! I’m good, handling some paperwork from our last mission with sensei. I’m relatively 100% Okay. Why do you ask?

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Oh, okay.

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** We just found Inuzuka and Aburame passed out near the gate, Lee is taking them to the hospital to make sure they’re fine and everything.

 

 **black belt in emotions:** What? Those stupid assholes, I told them specifically to go to the hospital since I was going to take on going to the missions desk to file in the paperwork

 **black belt in emotions:** I’ll tell Kurenai to go pick them up later. If not, i'll just go myself.

 **black belt in emotions:** But anyways, that’s very considerate of you, thanks cousin.

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s just Lee helping and being himself.

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** We didn’t know where you were, so I was worried.

 

 **black belt in emotions:** Oh, were you Worried about me?

 **black belt in emotions:** Aweee Neji that’s so cute

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Goodbye.

 

* * *

 

 ** _sasuke shits_ ** _(#blonde deity pictures)_

  
  


**no homo:** Training today gave us pictures of The God

 **no homo:** _narutodogsandSLEEP.jpeg_

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** Thank you for your service.

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** i love that asshole so much

 

 **no homo:** The idiot looks so soft there, even with Bull’s slobber all over his arm.

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** I’m going to marry him someday

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** get in fucking line

 **i’m calling the weed:** failed piggy is first anyways, as much as I hate to admit it

 

 **no homo:** @ _i’m calling the weed_ Didn’t you say you were in a relationship?

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** ye but he knows and agrees that given the opportunity, any of us will marry Naruto on command. No hard feelings on that.

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** That’s Understandable.

 **Cactuslover0456:** Didn’t Madara say that they were basically soulmates?

 

 **no homo:** Yes.

 **no homo:** It was a tragic day for everyone, especially us and the sasuke lesbians.

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** Sasuke lesbians?

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** oh, haven’t u heard?

 **i’m calling the weed:** tbh i’m sure it’s just ino and sakura fucking around

 **i’m calling the weed:** maybe that karin girl too, she’s with orochimaru rn

 

 **no homo:** she is

 **no homo:** Sakura and Ino founded the club, but Karin is the current president, something about Ino and Sakura being to busy sucking face to arrange the meetings

 

 **Cactuslover0456:** They have meetings?

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** of course not, that’d be weird

 

* * *

 

 **_Direct Messages_ ** _( @pee your pants) _

  
  


**i’m calling the weed:** remember the paper for tomorrow

 **i’m calling the weed:** it’s been 20 minutes. Answer me.

 

 **pee your pants:** well hello to you too, shikamaru

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** where tf were u kiba

 

 **pee your pants:** just came back from a mission, waking up from the meds they gave us at the hospital and feeling the worst kind of sore

 **pee your pants:** u should be asleep

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** i have insomnia also i’m high af and with my bf

 

 **pee your pants:** ugh. u and neji are Gross I can’t believe I hang out with both of u

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** then are you not coming tomorrow? cause i can invite sasuke or something. That’s always entertaining.

 

 **pee your pants:** SASUKE?

 **pee your pants:** This smells like friendship treason

 **pee your pants:** homiecide

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** one of these days, i’m going to actually kill you, and i will not be sorry about it.

 

 **pee your pants:** ik i’m not special, i heard u say the same thing but, more poetically, to neji last week. I literally went to the bathroom and when i came back you two were waxing poetry about killing each other.

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** and they say romance is dead

 **i’m calling the weed:** don’t forget the paper.

 

* * *

 

 **_Direct Messages_ ** _( @gay, homophobic, and proud) _

  
  


**i’m calling the weed:** hey dumbass, you home?

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Safe and sound, sadly.

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** It’d be more entertaining to be violently murdered but alas,

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** of course

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** We on with Kiba for tomorrow? I’d have to rush back from work so I have to be sure.

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** Yeah

 **i’m calling the weed:** I heard he was in the hospital, so there’s no way he’d miss our weekly Stress-Free cloud watching session. That’s like, the backbone of my life

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Is it not me? I’m appalled I thought I was your all, your everything.

 

 **i’m calling the weed:** you thought wrong

 **i’m calling the weed:** i love you and ur dramatic ass, good night

 

 **gay, homophobic, and proud:** Good night, scum.

 

* * *

 

 ** _mysandry chat_ **(#grlpwr)

  
  


**lesbian lefts:** Hello girls!! I’m going back to Konoha for like, a month and a half starting next week!!

 

 **lesbian rights:** TEMARI HI !!!

 **lesbian rights:** I’m so excited!!!! Finally we can go a day without these Men. My lesbian powers are on and ready to blast

 

 **pink in the night:** i love you so much

 

 **lesbian rights:** i love you too

 

 **Seven Eleven:** gross

 

 **pink in the night:** you’re just jealous

 

 **Seven Eleven:** yeah i am.

 **Seven Eleven:** if I hear Neji speak about his boyfriend or whatever i will throw the first brick at either him or the other asshole. Funnily enough, it’s Lee that gets me through nowadays.

 

 **lesbian lefts:** just wait until i get there, wink wink

 

 **Seven Eleven:** nudge nudge

 

 **black belt in emotions:** i’m so straight

 

 **pink in the night:** you’re not, but that’s so valid

 **pink in the night:** i’ve seen how you make puppy eyes at kiba

 

 **black belt in emotions:** Sakura, is that a pun?

 

 **pink in the night:** and what if it is?

 

 **lesbian lefts:** ANYWAYS. Gaara is sending me because quote this is not because sasuke is in konoka unquote, which I find so funny. Is everyone in love with naruto around here?

 **lesbian lefts:** I’m staying with the Naras, funnily enough.

 

 **black belt in emotions:** Yeah, kind of.

 **black belt in emotions:** isn’t it weird that you’re going to stay with your ex?

 

 **lesbian lefts:** not really, we just didn’t click. We’re still very good friends.

 **lesbian lefts:** Romance was not for us, I guess.

 **lesbian lefts:** ALSO when I get there we HAVE to have karaoke night, gaara and kankuro are always “too busy” for me but we all know gaara is planting cacti and kankuro is a fucking clown.

 

 **pink in the night:** harsh

 

 **lesbian lefts:** Am I wrong, tho?

 

 **lesbian rights:** wait,

 **lesbian rights:** shikamaru has a WHAT

 

 **Seven Eleven:** Oh dear,

 

* * *

 

_**leaf me alone** (#konoha) _

  
  


**pee your pants:** HAS ANYONE SEEN TENTEN?

 **pee your pants:** _@channel_

  
**Seven Eleven:** TIME TO RUN _@_ _ no homo  _


End file.
